I never had feeling towards any guy, I was never like these girls out here falling in love just because they hear some nice shit. I know what the game is like I know what they what from you I know why they tell you all the shit you want to hear that’s why I never would catch feelings for anyone. It’s like over the summer I met two people that changed my life completely. One of them is “J” the other one is “D”. I met J through my best friend Alex, he’s her boyfriends best friend. We would always party, smoke, drink, and chill together then one day we were both drunk and we started kissing each other we kissed the whole night but nothing more. A couple of days later I told my best friend that I wanted to fuck him so I texted him that night and told him he picked me up and we went to the lake. We got there around 10 and didn’t leave until 3 in the morning. After we fucked we were talking and I was like look I’m not like these girls I don’t fall in love with the shit I hear so don’t try to do it I feel like we could be friends with benifits basically fuck buddies. He agreed and was like I like how you’re so chill about it. I was like its just how I am and I know you got a girl so lets keep it on the low. The whole summer we fucked and chilled and did everything together he was with me more than his girlfriend. Then my cousin broke up with her boyfriend and I wouldn’t see him as often. Then I met D, he was not my type at the start I always just looked at him as a chill ass person to smoke and drink with one day my best friend had a party at her house and D was there my best friends cousin didn’t like me at the time so I was like I’m gonna leave because they both had planned it together and I didn’t want to spoil her night by me being there so D took me to another party and we were chilling. I left the party with another guy and D came and got me from his house then it was me D and the guy who’s house I went to. We were going to play beer pong at my best friends house we got there we played then everybody went home next day I chilled with D again and we became real cool after that. One day I went to his house and all of his homies were there his cousin T was there and he wanted to fuck I did too so we did then D takes me up stairs and we start talking about Cali since we’re both from there and then he kissed me I never looked at him like that but after he kissed me its like something changed he told me he liked me it was something about me that he liked and it was that fact that I was so chill and down to earth. We fucked that night and then in the morning he took me home. We pulled up to my drive way and he says look I know you got other niggas and you know I have hoes but I will drop them all for you if you do the same and I told him I would I actually did like him so I did. Through the whole smear we were talking and we were real cool he wasn’t my “boyfriend” but it’s was the closest thing to it. We would take pics text and talk all the time. Then just recently during New Years I went to a party I saw him before the party and I said hey D you look cute tonight and hugged him he hugged me too and said I looked really pretty. Then we went our desperate ways I came back to the party and some guys were trying to talk to me I was being friendly and talking back but never thought nothing wrong then I saw D and I tried to hug him and he pushed me away and said you got groupies go take care of them first and he got mad and walked away I felt so dumb that whole night was crazy. The next day I see him talk shit about me on twitter and talking this girl how he was happy she jumped me and shit. My heart broke. I never knew how strong my feelings were towards him I realized I actually did like him a lot. I know I was the one to fuck up. Later on I dm him and told him we should be on good terms he said everything was cool next thing you know he’s talking shit about me again I felt hurt one day I got drunk and started crying over him I never cry. Just yesterday he sent me a long ass dm telling me I’m not shit and he doesn’t want shit to do with me. I’m over it now but at the same time it still hurts and I was with J when I got the message I got so sad. I spent the night with J he brought me home in the morning. I like J but he has a girlfriend and I know he’ll never leave her for me I’m a slut I’m admitting to it J doesn’t care about what people say or think about me he’s my best friend and he’ll always be there for me but I’m not “wifey” material and I know that for a fact it not that he’s told me its because I know and I own up to the shit that I’ve done. I just wish sometimes that I had someone here for me I feel like everyone hates me because I’m a slut. Even now that I stopped doing all of that its never gonna change because the past will follow you especially in high school. It sucks I just want someone here for me anyone I don’t care who it is I just need to feel what love is for the first time in my life. I don’t know what love is or what it feels like and it sucks.